I feel like I’m in a bad state of mind today. So I’ll throw it into a blog post and detox from myself. Its slow at work today so even though I would love to be busy, I have too much time on my hands.
I posted 7 videos of me playing guitar and singing from last night. I was honestly pretty proud of them. I posted them on my youtube channel that I started about a year ago. I have 2 followers. I’m not sure who they are or if they are real followers. I posted a link to my youtube page on Facebook and in my previous blog post from earlier today on this site. I have over 4000 friends on FB and I know a lot of them only online, but I have for years because of my photography career. I have a total of “0”…..zero views on my videos from this morning. Most of the videos over the last year have zero to 3 to 5 views. I’m not exactly going viral here. Its funny to, because 3 or 4 people “liked” the post on FB with the link to youtube…yet nobody actually went and watched a single one of them.
I know this shouldn’t matter to me, but this is exactly how my entire life has felt. I make a huge effort to cheer others on and support them. I have for a long time. I literally get nothing in return. Now I totally understand…. I suck at singing and my guitar playing is probably not super exciting. I mean who would want to watch that. People don’t care how hard I’ve worked to get where I am at this point… and why should they?
I just get depressed sometimes because I honestly feel invisible. I spend a lot of time trying to improve myself. I ride bikes, create art, play guitar, have tons of interests and yet….. as interesting as I’d like to think I am….. I am absolutely alone except for my wife and my mom, who both support me. I just sometimes wish there was one other person that cared about me and my life. It feels pretty shitty to be honest.
It’s possible I have a mild form of Aspergers and I know I’m dyslexic. So I’m not the best at talking on the phone…I do avoid that. I have a hard time in loud places talking, because I can’t focus and really don’t hear as well as I’d like. I’m very visual as well….. blah blah blah. I hate being negative and have strived very hard to be a positive person. But I guess I’m just struggling. Even on my good days, and most of them are pretty good because I chose to see the good, I still don’t have any friends or people to talk to.
Yeah I sound like a winner. I can’t imagine why I don’t have friends. Well hey, I can look on the bright side. I seriously doubt anyone will read this.
Well, I’m not sure how helpful that was. And I don’t feel like I’m any closer to a solution. If by chance anyone does read this and has helpful advice, I’m willing to listen.